Today, I'm missing a lot of people.

I miss Shallom. The most beautiful singer you've ever heard.

I miss Tressy. Her laugh could make anyone instantly smile.

I miss Margaret and Esther. Their hugs made me feel at home.

I miss Catherine and Rachel. Two beautiful girls with beautiful dreams.

I miss Susan and my team of hairstylists.

I miss Telvin and his perfect smile, missing tooth and all.

I miss the hilarious teachers that taught me so much about life.

I miss Chiza and her eyes that could melt my heart.

While I miss these beautiful people and children more and more everyday, I am not sad because I know I will see them all again very soon. I will be with some of them this upcoming summer and I will be with some of them in the duration of my life and lastly, I will see ALL of them in Heaven. I'm so thankful for the life that God has given me. I actually can't believe that THIS is the life that He has chosen for me. He is so unbelievably good. This verse has never range truer in my entire life.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this
Psalm 37:4-5

Sometimes you think you know what you want for your life and you just hope that God will give it to you, but in the long run - God knows your heart better than you do. He will bring things in your life that you never thought you could love or spend your life doing and then in a single moment, He will change every. single. thing. He will make your heart literally BEAT for His purposes, His children and the things He loves. It can be scary, overwhelming and sometimes even not very much fun but ALL of the time it's AMAZING. All of the time it's perfect and all of the time it's His will. I'm so thankful to have a Father that knows me better than I know myself.

Crissy

Everything I need is You.

So finals are over and I finally have a chance to relax, slow down and just take a minute to not worry about anything. Most importantly, I finally have time to talk about what I've been wanting to talk about for the past week.


Africa.

Recently, I started reading another blog of a fellow africa-lover, Katie Davis and while I had heard of this incredible young woman before, I never really researched what exactly her life looked like. I encourage you to take some time out of your day and read about how she is choosing to live the words of our Savior.

But more than being inspired by her, more than being convicted by her and more than wanting to be just like her -- I am more intoxicated with my Father than I have been in a very long time.

To me, moving to Africa as a single woman isn't crazy, scary or even gross. It's actually hard for me to understand why other people don't want to do the exact same thing. And it's not because I'm some great human being or am so self-sacrificing, I am the opposite of those things. In fact the first time I left for Africa almost two years ago, I wasn't even as close to being as excited or ready as I should have been, I actually thought that I already KNEW everything that the Father could teach me about mission work because of my previous time spent in Mexico and Jamaica.


I've never been more wrong about any situation in my entire life.


Jesus changed my entire life on that trip. Changed it forever. After that trip, I could never again ignore the very apparent calling that God placed on my life. That does not mean that over the past two years, I haven't tried to ignore it. See the difference? As I went back to Kenya this past summer, I knew what going back meant. Warfare. Spiritual and with my flesh. Going back with the perspective of coming back forever meant that the "gross things" or "dirty things" or "hard things" wouldn't just last for two weeks, but that they would last for my lifetime. I know my flesh pretty well and I know that I LOVE the idea of serving God in every part of my life (who doesnt?) but when it comes to the point of Him showing me what it is He wants me to do...well I'm really really good at running away from every single point of it.

So here we are. December 2011. This time a year ago is when I started planning to go back for a couple weeks during the summer and this Christmas break I will start planning my trip for this upcoming summer. Hopefully an entire month this time. I am starting to plan with a much heavier heart this year.

For the past couple years, I've had COUNTLESS talks with every person I know, Christians and non-Christians about what being a missionary looks like. And it almost always inspires one of the following responses; "wow, good for you", "I could never do that full time", "wow that must be hard, it'll be easier once you're married."

Really encouraging to a single woman who feels called to go now, isn't it? And I know that no one ever meant to be discouraging or put down not just my dreams, but what God has willed my heart to beat for, but that doesn't make the fears I have brewing inside seem less validated. Satan wants me to validate those fears but I won't.

Following God's call on your life does not mean including stipulations of your own. And let me tell you, I really like putting stipulations on God's plan for me. Okay God that's great, being a missionary? No problem. Being a missionary a lone? ...well I'll get married first and then go. Be a missionary in Africa? Of course. Be a missionary in a place in Africa that's in the middle of nowhere without electricity, toilets and a place to wash my clothes? ...Well maybe after in the really nice parts for a while, I'll visit the worse off ones.

You see...I already want to call this plan "crazy" and I already want to say that I'll easily be a "part time" missionary but who knows about "full time" and I definitely want to say "Ill become full time after I get married."

But the only thing that these phrases do is place doubt in the God of the universe, the God that captures my heart daily and the God that loves me unconditionally. Whether I believe it not (and I do), He knows better than me.

So for today, I'm choosing to believe that not only and am I called to do His work for the rest of my life, I am called to do it right now. What that will look for my life in the coming months, I'm not sure of yet. But I do know that I'm ready, I've been ready for so long.

I don't want anything else this world has to offer, He is EVERYTHING I need.

All my delight is in YOU Lord,
Crissy